Teen Troubles

When working with teens in therapy, I truly strive to understand their thoughts and emotions. Parents often feel confused. What happened to my wonderful child? I made it through the terrible two’s (if they were “terrible”). Why do I find it so difficult to recognize them now? As a psychologist, there is some basic information I like to share with parents as their teen traverses this stage.

Following work with a particular teen, I was moved to write the following poem to capture the essence of this teen’s confusion.

Teen Troubles
by Barbara Pedalino, PsyD

I know I did wrong–
Am not sure why
Just did it again,
Wish I could cry.
I’m not so young—
Not old enough…
Can’t stop myself
So I just act tough.

I shrug my shoulders
And hold my head
Wish I had something
To say instead.
But I’m a teen
And I rack my brain
To make some sense
Why I act in disdain.

I may make mistakes–
That’s not a crime.
They’ll happen again
From time to time
I’m very confused—
Hard to be me.
I’m learning and growing…
Don’t you see?

There are actual reasons why teenage years are so challenging:

What is the impact of brain development?
During adolescence, the brain undergoes significant growth and reorganization. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for decision-making, impulse control, and reasoning. However, this area of the brain does not fully develop until mid-20’s. Therefore, teens tend to rely more on the amygdala, which is the emotional center of the brain. This explains why teens may react emotionally or impulsively rather than logically. Understanding that some behaviors are typical for this age can help parents avoid taking their child’s actions too personally. 

What about physical changes?
Primarily driven by puberty, adolescents become very self-conscious about their physical changes. This insecurity can contribute to mood swings or social withdrawal. By understanding this biology and social pressures, parents can provide reassurance.

Do teens really search for their identity?
Yes. In fact, teens navigate the stage of “Identity vs. Role Confusion”, which psychoanalyst Erik Erikson described in his theory of psychosocial development. Teens may ask Who am I? as they traverse various fashions, music, social groups, and ideologies. Parents may need help fostering an environment that supports positive self-discovery rather than rebellion or withdrawal.

Why does it seem that teens react before they think?
Developmental psychologist Jean Piaget discussed the development of abstract reasoning and moral judgment during teenage years. Teens may begin to question authority, societal norms and even their own values. The challenge for adults becomes encouraging critical thinking while simultaneously recognizing that they are striving for independence. In her article: How to Steer Your Teen Without Hovering or Nagging, Peg Dawson, Ed.D. advised instead of making suggestions or giving orders, try asking questions. Demonstrate that you take your teen seriously by avoiding sarcastic or defensive tones and comments.

Why do teens seem to respect their peers’ perspectives more than their parents?
Due to the desire for peer acceptance, an undesirable outcome can occur when teens feel pressure to conform or engage in risky behaviors. Then it is time for adults to take a deep breath as they try to provide balanced support…not overly intrusive, not neglectful…but still offering guidance. 

We didn’t turn out too badly, so with communication, patience and a little grey hair, trust that your teen will learn best from their own mistakes.

Reference:
Dawson, P.  How to Steer Your Teen Without Hovering or Nagging. ADDitude: Teens with ADHD. (Oct 2024).